If I Could Save You
by ladys3194
Summary: Five years after her high school graduation Clare Edwards is dead.It wasn't a tragic accident or a terrible murder; Clare committed suicide. This action leaves her closest friends and family lost and confused—none more than Eli.When fate gives Eli a chance to change the past—will he be able to take the information Adam gave him and save the life of the love of his life?On Hiatus!
1. Prologue- Everything For You

**I haven't really written anything in years, so be kind and fair when you review please! I really like this idea for a story and it's been swimming in my head for weeks now. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi (if I did I would keep Eli and Eclare on the show forever!)**

Summary: Five years after her high school graduation, Clare Edwards is dead. It wasn't a tragic accident or a terrible murder; Clare Edwards committed suicide. This action leaves her closest friends and family lost and confused—none more than Eli Goldsworthy. They spent two amazing years together after her high school graduation at NYU, but on their fourth year anniversary Clare broke off all ties and left Eli in New York with no answers and an engagement ring.

Eli tried everything to get in touch with her, but no one else knew what happened to her either—she disappeared from everybody's lives without a trace—except for one person, Adam Torres—one-third of their golden trio, who seems to be hiding information from everyone about what has happened in the past three years.

When fate gives Eli a chance to change the past—will he be able to take the information Adam gave him and save the life of the love of his life?

**Prologue: Clare's POV**

_You have been searching for me for three years my love. How come you have not given up yet? Why are you forcing me to be cruel to you by having you lose another person you love? _

_You will be the second one to find out about my death; Adam will be first and he will find my note to let you know about my death first. I also let Adam know that he is given my full permission to tell you everything he knows about the past three years. He doesn't know everything, but I'm hoping my journal will lead you in understanding why I did what I did. _

_The news will then spread to my family and friends and I will forever be remembered as the poor Christian girl who went missing and then was found dead in a crappy apartment. They will mourn and move on and I will be forgotten. _

_Will you remember me this way my love? Part of me hopes so because then I think it will help you move on from me quicker. The other part of me is dying to hope that you remember me as the woman that loved you more than life itself, and realize that the only way for you to move on and live your life, was for me to be gone from this earth. _

_Like I said, it is a cruel way for you to move on, but it is the only way that I can think of. I love you for searching for me all these years, but I have to admit that I thought you would have given up on me long ago. I'm sorry for that my love; for doubting your love and devotion for me. We are forever soul mates, and I'm sorry that I am taking yours from this earth, but I have faith that you will find another though she will never love you as much as I do._

_I wish I could write these thoughts down in the journal I have been keeping for myself and you over the past three years, but I figure that this entry would kill you, so I must keep my thoughts in my head and let them die with me._

_I'm holding a brown pill bottle in my hand and I wonder if my family will sue the pharmacy for giving me these pills without a prescription—I hope not. The man who gave them to me has had a puppy crush on me for months now, I don't want his life to be ruined just for caring for me—too many people have suffered for me._

_Don't think, my love that I am only dying so that you will stop searching for me—that isn't the complete story. The whole story being that I am dying from heartbreak. Heartbreak from being away from my family and friends so long and heartbreak from never being able to touch you in any way for the past three years. I'm lonely and depressed and I not only want your pain to end, but also my suffering. _

_I open the pill bottle and I see dozens of orange pills staring back at me. Fear grips my heart and I almost rethink my decision. But I take a deep breath and pour the pills into my hand. I don't know how many I will need to do the job—so I pour all of them out. I start with taking one because I'm scared of what I'm doing. Then I take another and another, and another and each pill gets easier to take. For each pill I apologize to different people in my life._

_I first apologize to Adam—who has been there for me for all these years and not told anyone of my location, I apologize to my parents who have loved me all my life, I apologize to Jake for being a great support system and brother to me, I apologize to Alli for being my first best friend, I apologize to Darcy who was the best older sister a girl could have, and for the last dozen pills I apologize to you my love for being my best friend, my rock, my heart, my soul mate. _

_My hands are beginning to shake and my vision is going blurry as I swallow the last of the pills. My head is going black and my breathing is getting shallow—I'm dying. I heard that a person's last thoughts are the most important. I don't know what to think of because moments of my life are flashing through my head. _

_I see growing up with Darcy, us laughing as she tells me about her friends at school. I see my family and I going to church and enjoying holidays. I see my first year of high school and KC breaking my heart and Alli picking up the pieces. I finally see Eli crushing my glasses and Adam joining our band of misfits. After that there is no memory I see that doesn't involve Eli—our first kiss, our first break-up, my heart hurting as I watch him kiss Imogen, a curious look of jealousy on his face when he sees me kiss Jake, us getting back together, us filming his video for NYU, his graduation, the first time we made love, my graduation, our pregnancy scare the summer before my freshman year at NYU, us moving into our apartment, studying for dozens of exams, writing papers together, his marriage proposal, and every time I've seen him from afar these past three years. _

_I try to reach out—call for help—tell God that I've changed my mind; I'm not ready to die yet. But my arms weigh tons and I know it's too late. Adam will not find me for another couple of hours, and by then it will be too late. Fear grips me again, but it soon turns into a forced calm as light pours through my vision—will they let me into heaven after doing this to myself?_

_Everything is so bright that it's blinding, I can almost feel it when my heart finally stops beating…_

_I love you, Eli. _


	2. Chapter 1-I Miss Everything About You

**Chapter 1: Eli's POV**

I sit in Adam's Volvo and I wonder how I got here. I don't recall waking up this morning, if I ate breakfast, Adam arriving at my apartment building and us leaving in his car. My haze of earlier this morning has ended and I know where we are headed. I feel a strong urge to jump out of the car and throw up at the side of the road. We're heading to Clare Edwards' wake and funeral and I want to die.

It's been a week since I found out; it's funny that I remember that seeing as though I don't recall anything I've done in the past week. All that has been revolving around in my head is Adam telling me that the love of my life was…is dead.

He came over for our weekly guy's night which was usually spent with me ranting either about how I got another Clare lead or how I missed her so much I wanted to die; both always led to us getting wasted and talking about the good days when it was just me, him and Clare—the trio of misfits.

But instead of holding a pizza with a smile; he held a leather-bound journal with tears coming down his face.

_"Eli…it's Clare. She's…." _I think I knew what he was going to say the moment I opened the door. Not much made Adam cry—but he loves…loved Clare almost as much as I do….did. Using past tense makes this situation way too real for me and the urge to throw up is back again.

I knew Clare was dead, but it seemed so wrong—nothing about this situation was right. She was _dead_ and I expected car accident, murder, anything else that would take Clare from this earth before her time. But she didn't die from any accident, she took herself from this world in the most unnatural way possible.

_"How?" I was close to sobbing I knew. "Suicide. She killed herself, Eli. I don't…" His voice broke off and my heart broke in the same way. _I remember asking him how she did it, but he just shook his head; either not wanting to relive the memory, or not wanting to cause me the pain of knowing. His plan was probably the best, but the television news broke any mystery of my Clare's death—she overdosed.

I shake my head, trying to erase the memories of that night. I look at Adam in the driver's seat and I can tell he is close to crying. I wish I was able to cry, but other than the initial urge to sob when I heard the news, nothing close to tears has come over me. I went into complete auto-pilot. It was probably for the best; I might have tried killing myself if I hadn't.

Not like I could have anyways, either Adam or my parents have been with me constantly since he told me the news. My parents were worried I was going to have a bipolar breakdown, I vaguely remember my mother handing me my pills twice a day. I glance in my side view mirror and see their car trailing behind ours—my parents loved Clare like a daughter.

I couldn't even get myself to call them and tell them of Clare's death. Adam called them and they headed straight over to my apartment without any other words. I can't look at my mother anymore though, every time I do I can see that she is close to tears; I don't think she can look at me directly in the eye either—the tears would fall then.

"How are you feeling, Eli?" Adam winces after asking the question knowing it was a ridiculous one. How could I be feelings anything short of heartbreak right now?

"I'm…" What am I? Is there a word for the deep heartbreak I'm feeling? I go for the simplest feeling I'm having right now, "…nauseous," Nauseous was good; the feeling was safe.

"Well you didn't eat anything this morning," That clears up some of my hazy morning for me. I realize that even though I'm nauseous, my stomach is giving me pangs of hunger; I don't remember the last time I ate something.

"When did I last eat, Adam?" Another semi-safe topic to discuss. It has nothing to do with death; it has nothing to do with Clare.

Adam pauses to think for a few minutes, "I don't really remember. You picked at your dinner last night, but I don't think you ate any of it. You should probably eat soon." His words are precise, he doesn't say _after_ or _later_, nothing that establishes the event that is happening today.

The conversation ends here because we are already pulling into the parking lot of the funeral home. I look out my window and I see too many people I know—that Clare knew—I don't make a move to get out of the car.

Adam looks over to me when I don't start getting out of the car, "Eli, you have to get out of the car sometime. We need to pay our respects. Doesn't Clare deserve that?"

He's got me there—he knows that, dead or alive, I would do anything for Clare Edwards. I step out of the car and take a deep breath, looking around to find my parents. They are already at the front steps waiting for me and Adam to join them. My mother is finally letting her tears fall, Bullfrog looks like hell as well—it makes me wonder what I look like right about now.

We all go in together and the first thing that hits me is the smell of the building—it smells like window cleaner and flowers—roses; Clare hated roses. How well did these people really know Clare?

I bravely look towards the casket and I regret it immediately. It's an open casket and my nausea is back full force and I go running toward the entrance. Once I'm out the front door I start dry heaving into the bushes—ignorant of the people walking in.

"Eli?" I hear Adam's voice say from somewhere next to me. He signs deeply, "Come on, buddy. I know it's rough." "They have her in an open casket, Adam," I rasp, "Why?!"

"I don't know, Eli. It's terrible, I get it. We don't have to go up to the casket if you don't want to." I shake my head roughly, "Did my parents go up there?" Adam just nods.

"Then I can do it. Let's go before I change my mind." I get up and start walking towards the door, not waiting for Adam to follow me.

When we get into the building we join the line of mourners and I do everything I can not to look at the casket ahead of us. When we get close enough there are two boards up with a collage of pictures of Clare's life.

The first one has baby pictures, pictures from her childhood, pictures of holidays with her family, and pictures with her a Darcy smiling and laughing together. These pictures were ones I've seen before—one's that I always joked I would use against her as blackmail. Ones that were taken before I ever entered her life.

The second board is full of pictures of from high school. They start with pictures of her, Alli, KC, Connor, and Jenna, but these pictures are very few. The rest of the pictures surprise me—they are almost all of me and Clare together; some have Adam, Alli, and Jake—one or two even has Katie in it, but most of them are a representation of Clare and I's relationship.

I'm confused until Adam starts to speak, "Clare's parents called and asked if I had any pictures of her from high school and college. I didn't really have a lot so I asked Cece and Bullfrog—they had a lot that they hid away.

I look over to my parents who are already seated, and see them looking up at me and Adam with worried expressions on their faces. I loathe myself at this moment because I never even thought to be worried about Adam—I've just been thinking about myself and how I lost her as a lover; not even considering that Adam lost a best friend.

"Adam?" He looks at me concerned, "How are you doing? I'm sorry that I haven't asked…" Adam is already shaking his head before I finish my apology.

"No, Eli, I understand why you didn't. You lost your soul mate. One that you've been searching for years just to find out she's gone for good. Trust me, I never expected you to worry about me at a time like this. But I'll be okay; I have you and though I'm going to miss Clare like crazy, we will get through this together."

"How can you be so certain?" We move up the line a little more and I see that we are getting closer to the casket so I look back at Adam, "I can't be, but I just choose to have faith in us."

We both look back at the front of the line and realize we are next in line to give our respects to Clare—or rather—Clare's body. I'm disgusted with myself and my morbid thoughts and I try to think about it the way Clare would.

She believed in heaven and God and angels. But would she go to heaven? Didn't she tell me that suicide was one of the ultimate sins—that it was pretty unforgiveable because it was like going against God's plan? So, would my Clare me damned to hell?

I almost scoff under my breath; if God was real, he would be smart enough to know that Clare was a good soul, that this one fatal mistake should not prevent her from the joys that heaven may hold.

"Are you ready?" Adam looks at me and I can tell that he doesn't want to do this anymore than I do. I nod, "Let's get this done with."

For the first time I look at what is left of my Clare. Her usually rosy cheeks are so pale that she looks like a porcelain doll. Her face is without expression; her lips in an almost straight line. Her hair is perfectly styled, not a hair out of place. This is not my Clare.

My Clare always has a blush on her cheeks; usually from my flirtatious comments. My Clare always has an expression on her face; even when she was sleeping she always had a look on her face whether it was happy, tired, or upset—she was never with emotion. And finally, my Clare always had a wild head of hair—though it was always perfectly curled, there were always strands that would be blowing in the wind. I loved when the wind blew her hair around her face; it gave me an excuse to touch her face as I pushed it out of her eyes.

I was frozen in my spot in front of Clare's casket; I didn't know what to do. Should I say something to her? Is this the time when I'm finally supposed to say goodbye to her? I shake my head and clench my fists. _No. I won't say goodbye. I can't._ So I don't say anything.

I look over at Adam and his face is contorted in concentration. He has made the opposite decision I have; he is having a silent conversation with Clare. Is he telling her goodbye? Telling her he loves her and that he will never forget her? The things that I refuse to say to her in fear that it will make her death all the more real.

I take a deep breath; I'm not going to ask him what he is saying to Clare. That might make me regret not saying anything to her myself. He finally looks at me and I can tell he is ready to give our regards to her family and sit down. As we're walking away from her I can't help but tell her one last thing under my breath, "I love you, Clare."

I don't know what to say to her family; so I don't say anything and I leave the talking to Adam. I do shake both Randall and Helen's hands and I nod in Jake's direction. He gives me a look of understanding—he knows I've spent years looking for Clare; he knows I never gave up on her.

I feel like I'm giving him the same look; he tried to do everything in his power to help me. He even went a few places with me that I thought Clare might be. All dead ends. There were always times when people I knew said they saw someone that looked like her and I would go running. Even if it seemed the most bizarre place in the world—I still went.

With times like these it is a wonder that I can even keep up a job—that I even graduated to begin with. But I knew that if I ever did find Clare and convince her to come home to me, she wouldn't be impressed with a college drop-out with no job. So I finished my schooling at NYU, moved back to Toronto and got a job as a director's assistant. It wasn't the dream job, but eventually it would lead to it.

Adam and I went to sit next to my parents. Cece was crying still, but it seemed like she was trying to quite the sound as to not upset me. I think it would upset me more if she wasn't crying; I love that my parents loved Clare—she deserved it. Her own parents loved her—sure—but they didn't really show it in all the ways necessary; and that was one of the things that broke Clare's heart. She never felt that she had as much of their attention as her siblings did, but she didn't want to cause drama, so she kept quiet.

But then there were the nights where she couldn't hold it in anymore and the pain would cause these intense sobs as she laid in bed with me at night. It killed me that Clare was hurting so much at the hands of people who were supposed to love her, but I couldn't do anything about it, so I just held her tighter on those nights and whispered to her how I would never leave her; never stop loving her.

Clare's family sat down in the front row and the ceremony began. The priest tried his best to tell everybody how great of a person Clare was; how nice, loyal, and loving, but he just couldn't find the words to capture Clare's true essence.

Family members and old friends got up to talk about their time with her, but they couldn't capture that essence either. It made me frustrated, I hated that on Clare's last moments above ground, her friends and family could not fully describe who the love of my life really was. When the priest asked if there was anyone else that wanted to say a few words about Clare I hesitated; I couldn't get my legs to move, so I look desperately over at Adam.

He hadn't gone up yet, probably afraid he wouldn't have the right words to say that would appease me, but he wouldn't deny me if I asked him to go up there and fix this mess. "Please, Adam," I say under my breath.

He takes a deep breath and nods as he heads up to the front of the room. When he is behind the podium he looks nervously over the crowd and finds my eyes; I nod and this seems to calm him enough to start speaking.

He clears his throat before he begins, "Um…Hi, I'm Adam Torres and Clare was one of my best friends," His voice is shaking so he clears his throat again as he searches for the next words he should say.

"I really don't know what to say about Clare. She was an amazing human being; she saw right through to the very souls of people and loved them regardless of what she found. When she first met me and found out I was…different, she didn't even bat an eye; she cared about me and that was all that mattered to her. I suppose I could describe her a thousand ways: she was kind, she was selfless, she was smart and witty, she could make anyone have faith in something, she had this way of making people laugh when they were at their lowest points," Adam took a deep breath and looked straight at me, giving me a wobbly smile.

"But I suppose the best way I could describe Clare Edwards is that she was and still is the love of my best friend, Eli's, life. Their love gave everyone around them hope that anything was possible if you loved someone enough, and they loved each other more than anything in the world. I was never jealous of their relationship; I loved my friends and I was so happy that they were happy. They changed and challenged each other in the best ways possible. And even though they got frustrated with each other and would fight until their faces were red; they would always end the night with telling each other how much they loved each other. Clare was one half of the reason I have so much faith in true love. So thank you, Clare."

I could hear Clare's mother from the front row sobbing. It was a great speech, I knew Adam could do what the others couldn't; what I was too afraid to do. Adam walked down from the front and sat back down beside me, "Thank you," Adam just nodded and turned his face to the front as the priest began to speak again and end the service.

Once the service was over, I didn't take long to stand up and rush out of the building. I was ready to go home and get drunk. I couldn't see Clare be put into the ground; I know that's where Cece and Bullfrog would go, but I couldn't see that without wanting to throw myself into the ground with her. I knew Adam wouldn't want to go either; he stood up and gave the best speech about Clare that could be given, he did well and he deserved to go home and mourn just like me.

I was already in the car and buckled up when Adam took his own seat in the driver's side, "Let's go, Adam." It took less than a minute for Adam to get out of the parking lot and turn towards my apartment.

**Hey guys, sorry it took me so long to update, but I've had exams a lot this week and I've just been really busy regardless. I'm also sorry this is so short, but I didn't want you guys to have to wait any longer for a chapter to be posted. I would absolutely love it if you guys would review! I love that you guys are following, but I would really like to know what you guys are thinking and your opinions on how the story is going. Do you have anything that you would really like to see? Let me know!**

**~ladys3194 **


	3. Chapter 2-Worse Things I Could Do

**Chapter 2: Eli's POV**

By the time Adam dropped me off, I was ready to shut myself into my apartment and stay there for the rest of my life. I was ready for my life to be over; I was ready to be back with Clare as soon as possible.

But seeing as though Adam and my parents would never allow that (plus I think I have put them through enough lately), I've decided that drinking myself into oblivion would have to do for now. So, I go over to my bedroom and open the bottom drawer of my dresser. _It's still here—Thank God!_

In Adam's grand search of my apartment he didn't even think to check my bedroom for any extra alcohol supply. He knew just as well as anyone that my meds don't always mix well with alcohol. But I know how to handle it—and even if I didn't, going a little crazy now sounds like the best thing in the world.

A little after Clare left me in New York, I bought half a liquor store out and shut myself into me and Clare's little studio apartment. That was the first time I found out how my meds reacted to an excessive amount of alcohol. It wasn't pretty. But at the time I was on such a high that I didn't care how bad it really was.

There were hallucinations for sure. I could have sworn I saw Clare a million times walking through the apartment, but when I called out to her she would disappear. I hope to repeat those hallucinations tonight. Maybe if I drink enough, even I will believe that Clare isn't really six feet under the cold hard ground right now.

That image makes me cringe and I pour myself the first shot of the night. After about the fifth shot, I decide that my couch would be a more comfortable place to be while getting drunk. Once I'm sitting the shots continue and I lose count of how many I've had.

It's a big bottle and I'm about half way through it within an hour and a half. That isn't healthy, but the hallucinations have yet to start and I want them so bad that I could cry. So I continue to drink and drink and drink and finally I get my first hallucination.

It's Clare, she looks just like she did last time I saw her. She has her pajamas on; these short shorts with one of my t-shirts. In my opinion this was always when she looked the best. She has no make-up on and her hair is in a messy ponytail at the top of her head; she is looking at me with a wry grin and I let out a little laugh.

This was always the look she gave me when she was up to something. With this grin and the look in her eyes I could always tell how she was feeling at that very moment. We had such a strong connection that keeping something from each other was almost impossible. But I guess she had a secret that even I couldn't see…

I shake my head a little too violently and I suddenly feel way too nauseous. I almost regret drinking half the bottle so quickly, but then I look up and Clare is still there and the nausea isn't that bad anymore.

I reach out to touch her, but my hand flies right through her. I expect her to be gone after I do that, but she is still standing there and she even takes a small step towards me. I hear her calling my name in an amused voice. Her hallucination is obviously feeling very playful. Her hand moves the push my shoulder and I swear I almost feel it. She turns to run, like she expects me to run after her and I don't want to disappoint her. So I get up and head after her.

I hear her giggling so loudly that I swear my neighbors can hear her. She starts running towards my bedroom and I head in there not a second later. But I'm too late, the vision of my Clare is gone and I'm alone once again.

The depression hits me like a bulldozer and I head back to my bottle. After this I finish the rest of the bottle fairly quickly. I have no more hallucinations and I go in search for another bottle of alcohol. But there is nothing left in my house. Adam did a really good job of making sure that I wouldn't go too far over the edge.

"Damn you, Adam!" I snap loudly after checking the last place possible that any alcohol could be. I'm getting dizzy and I know that I'm about to collapse at any moment. Before I can even make it to the couch, my legs give out from under me and I fall to the ground.

I don't have enough energy or will to actually get up and lay on the couch; so I stay on the floor and soon everything goes black.

I wake up to a loud pounding on my door, "Eli I swear to God if you do not open this door right now I'm using the hide-a-key!" I groan and struggle to get up off the ground.

"Give me a second, Adam!" It seems to take forever for me to get to the door, but when I finally do I swing open the door and rest all my weight on the doorway; glaring at Adam the whole time.

"Where did I miss the alcohol? I know that I checked everywhere!" Adam shoves past me and seems relieved that my apartment isn't completely torn apart. Once he has done a quick overlook over my apartment, he turns to me expectantly.

"Bottom drawer of my dresser. I hide it there because I know that you know that is where I keep mementos of Clare." Adam huffs and is glaring at me again. I wonder if he's going to punch me or start yelling, but he just walks over to the couch and collapses onto it.

With his hands covering his face he mumbles something incoherently. "You're mumbling Adam; I can't understand anything you're saying." He looks up and I swear his face has aged about ten years.

"I said, 'I have something for you.' It's Clare's and I think—no I know—she would want you to have it." It's then that I notice that he is carrying a duffle bag. _How did I not notice that before?_

"What is it? How do you know she would want me to have it?" He doesn't answer me; he just reaches down and unzips the bag. He pulls out a small leather bound book, but leaves everything else in there.

"This is Clare's journal from the past three years. She started writing in it about six months after she left you," He takes a deep breath and is pacing his words like he doesn't want to tell me what he's about to say, "And I know this because…I've been keeping in contact with her this whole time."

Now I know why he didn't want to tell me, because after the words left his mouth my body had a mind of its own. I tackle him to ground and am throwing punches; when I realize he isn't fighting back I stop punching him and sit myself back on the couch, "I could kill you right now, Adam."

He nods solemnly, "I wanted to tell you, but I had a promise to keep. I owe her so much and I just had to help her. She needed to get away and deal with things and she needed to do it alone." "What things did she need to get away from? Why couldn't I have helped her?" Adam just shakes his head.

"I don't know the whole story. All I know is that it was something really bad and she needed to hide and she needed someone to help her. So she came to me," Adam started rubbing his face again, wincing when his hand brushed against the bruise that was now forming. I got up and walked towards the kitchen for some ice—he followed right behind me.

"She hated to have to do that to me. Choosing between you and her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I could just tell that she needed help, and I couldn't push her away. I knew that if I did she would have gone off by herself and none of us would ever see her again. I couldn't risk that!" I don't want him to be right. I want to hate him, but I can't.

He seems to know this, so he continues, "She left me a note. I was so angry with what she did that I almost tore it up before even reading it. But I knew that it probably had something important in it. It told me why she…did what she did and it told me where to find this bag and to give all its contents to you. She hoped that once you read this, you would understand why she left." He is tearing up and his voice his breaking up.

"Her only request is that you read all the entries in order and you don't skip ahead. She wants you to experience these events in the same order they happened to her. She said that I couldn't give this to you unless you agreed to that."

I needed to have that journal; so I nodded and held out my hand. He carefully placed it into my hand and stood up, "I have to go to work. Call me if you need anything at all. Don't do anything stupid, okay?" I nod swiftly, but I'm too concentrated on the journal in my hands, "Promise, Eli?" I look up at his concerned face, "Yes, I promise Adam. I won't do anything stupid." That seems to satisfy him, so he turns and leaves with a quiet goodbye.

It's not long after he leaves that I find the bravery to open the journal. The first page says "**Property of Clare Edwards**" and I almost slam the book shut right then. But I know that I have to read this, if only for Clare's last wish. I turn the page to the first journal entry and start reading:

_December 10__th__ 2015_

_I'm Clare Edwards; now Clara Gold. It's been six months since I left Eli behind me, but the name I've given myself still causes a pang in my heart while also making it beat so fast I swear it's about to explode from my chest. I think back to the night that Eli proposed to me and I know that I could be married to him right now if I would have stayed. We wouldn't have wanted a long engagement—we were so crazy about each other that making it official would have been the one thing we wanted right away. I say __**were **__and it breaks my heart because that is so past tense, and there is not a day that goes by that my love for him doesn't grow, but I wonder each of these days if his love for me has faded or disappeared altogether. I think about it in both situations. In one, he has moved on in these past six months and has found a woman that will cherish him and stay with him through everything no matter what. I hate that situation…I don't want him to love anyone but me; and I know that no person could ever love Eli more than I do. The second situation, however, isn't much better. In that he is depressed and lonely; continuously thinking about giving up on life all together. This situation breaks my heart and now more than ever I want Adam's weekly update telling me how Eli is and what he is doing in his life right now. Two more hours and Adam will be here at my newest hideaway—a dingy apartment across from a bar—a scary place to be, but no one will go looking for me here either. God, I miss Eli. _

**Sorry guys, again, for the long wait, but I've been busy again and a lot of things are happening in my life right now. I have my last month of the semester at college which really means three weeks of normal classes and then finals. On top of that my family dog Lady Sparkles, the one my username is named after, has been getting sick, not eating, and having eating problems. For this reason, my family and I have decided that it is best to put her to rest. This is breaking my heart for obvious reasons and so I've been rather sad. We will most likely be doing this next weekend. For this reason, I'm not exactly certain when my next update will be because I will be very depressed and I will also be struggling through my finals. After finals I will have a month long break and I will try to update at least twice in that time. **

**Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this short chapter. If there is anything you would like to see please let me know. What do you think Clare's big secret is? Let me know! J**

**~ladys3194**


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